The Unexplained Sociology of Rockstar Hotel Trashings

A true “Rock “n Roll Hall of Fame” would include various broken memorabilia from the epic waves of  rockstar hotel-room trashings  (RHRTs) that accompanied so many rock ‘n roll greats/near-greats/nobodies on their corporate-sponsored nihilistic rage against the Holiday Inn Man.  Scenes must include

1. Billy Idol”s Manager Screams at Hotel Staff: “Where’s the Destruction?”

On the punk poster child’s tours in the 80s, Chrysalis management were well aware that bad-boy Billy only performed well when sufficiently adrenalized. Upon seeing a pristine suite in the Cleveland hotel where he and Steve Stevens had slept before their performance, manager Keith Grant screamed at the manager that “Billy needs to fuck some shit up!” before agreeing upon a scheme to have room service delay their fish ‘n chips five minutes so as to get the mojo going.

2. Judge Rules in Ozark Mountain Daredevils Hotel Mirror Case

In one of the few RHRTs  ever to get legally prosecuted, the Ozark Mountain Devils were ruled to be “too lightweight to be accorded the industry standard of rockstar hotel-trashing immunity” by a Decatur, Illinois judge, and had to pay a record $125 dollar fine.

3. RHRTs Spawned Remodeling Company Competition

The estimated economic cost of the RHRTs that have swept the American heimat since the dawn of the rock era now stands at $17.6 Billion US, with waves of copy-cat rock competitors trying to out-do each other with Keith Moonian television-hurtling, Led Zep carpet-shitting,  KC and the Sunshine Band defenestrations, Ratt paint-bombings, Green Day menu-slicings, Guns ‘N Roses hardwood floor removals, Steven Bishop signage defacings, etc. The remodeling business took notice of this golden income prospect, and would trail rock tours with ready-made inducements to mayhem/appetite for destruction: hired groupies trained in egging-ons, telephone harassment via in-house hotel lines, drug dealers given specially-formulated anger -exacerbation pills.

4. The Lack of Social Communication by RHRTers

What were these rockstars and rockstar wannabes so mad about? All of them would become corporate sellouts in no time flat. In due time, all of them would fade in anger/cultural importance, and be reduced to begging Holiday Inn corporate management gigs for “Reunion” gigs at the places they wantonly visited with anarchistic antagonistic candelabra-tossing. Most of the purveyors of these anti-social tantrums of hate against the American leisure-stay industry are sadly too addled to articulate what drove them to be such successful, sanctioned property destroyers back in their sald days, but there are new generations of rockstars in the rock, hip-hop, and now even country genres who anxiously await getting their Rockstar Hotel Room Trashing permits upon ascension to industry status. Look out, up above, in these penthouse suites, there are some very, very pissed-off pre- and post-show Performers about to be domiciled in plush surroundings, and they are going to be none too happy about it!

BONUS TRACK – Notice is given to the assisted-living industry is that many of the rockstar hotel-room trashers are about to be placed in these establishments for the incapable elderly, and you know their history – get ready to glue down the coasters, etc.

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