Amazon to Introduce Two-Tiered Shipping Rates for Left Consumers

Amazon.com, the world’s most capitalized fossil-fuel corporation, is set to announce a two-tiered pricing scheme for shipping its products worldwide geared toward “today’s conscientious and hopeful left consumer base,” one of the world’s fastest growing consumer segment.

In the first plan, entitled “Month-Rate Shipping,” priced at 179.99 with 1% of profits pledged to the education of chairman and CEO Jeff Bezos’s drywall installation employees, “woke” left consumers will be guaranteed that their products will arrive no sooner than one-month from the date of impulse buy. This low-cost shipping delay will reflect the need to protect the world’s biosphere, currently being assaulted by all manner of Amazon shipping conveyances, from ships and planes to drones and pick-ups trucks driven by “independent contractor” Fed Ex non-benefit hourly slaves.  Left consumers will be monitored by Nest or Amazon Echo or Alexa or Google’s Orwell eye devices during this month-long shipping delay to establish the earning of Amazon Planet Points, in which their daily fossil fuel usages will accrue sufficient credits permitting the continued process of shipping  if reduced by an established format:  – .01% per day of a combined metric of Al Gore, Naomi Klein, and Pastor Bill McKibben’s average daily lawn sprinkler usage.

In the second plan, entitled the “Indigenous Peoples’ Shipping” plan, left consumers will pay $1,299 per month to obtain shipping that exclusively uses indigenous peoples’  power to ship the lower range of products available from continent to continent. Amazon,com, the world’s foremost killer of the supporting ecospheres for human life,  would certify that the  products would receive  “First-World Guilt  Removal” certification (FWG) by being shipped only from manufacture to consumption through primitive tribal means – yak-herder carts in the central plant location of Mongolia Industrial Park, ancient birch-bark canoes across the South Seas, tuk-tuk human-powered taxis in Thailand, and four-wheeler sleds in the Great Plains, and by black-plastic sackful into the urban hothouses of Massachusetts and California.

According to left consumer experts, this plan will rescue the imperiled fossil fuel shipping industry that is currently threatening the ability of First-Worlders to enjoy the addictive properties of insta-shopping for useless gewgaws. Commerce is what we do, what we are, what we shall be, but only through these innovative practices can the cake be had, and be eaten, either one crumb at a time, or in the presence of worry-calming shamans, earth-mothers, and other emblems of high-income peoples’  hope for humanity’s return to simpler pleasures of shopping and more shopping.

 

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